Confirmation and Contemplation

Seems yesterday every eye was on me at the gym.. everywhere I went I was centered out.. I guess that's the best feedback--the best way to kno you are in top shape. These people see me regularly in the gym, but when they approach you and start raving on your conditioning.. you kno you are definitely reaching top form. Over and over I'm asked..."so when is your next show"? When I tell them "I'm not sure I'm competing at all this year", they are always surprised.

It never ceases to amaze me...lately I'm a spectacle everywhere I go. It's not like I can go anywhere without being asked if I compete or if do personal training. A simple trip to the grocery store can double or triple in the amount of time it takes when people solicit your responses to their curiosities. I'v become increasingly aware of the phenomenon called "celebrity".. and I realize I'v not changed, it's other people's perspective of me that has changed. While I don't always enjoy all the attention, I DO enjoy being able to share my story and motivate/encourage people with it.. after all (with my health history)---if I can do it, anyone can. No one can believe that I used to be so sick and over 200lb (and barely functional or mobile).

That's when I kno that this is what I'm supposed to be doing: inspiring & helping people find health and wholeness on all levels (body, mind and spirit). I don't think any of us are whole until we are content with ourselves physically. I tell people that they need to consider nutrition and exercise as medicine--and that it's much better to embrace it before they actually get sick. So in response to the "I don't have time 'excuse'"...I tell them "you will have all the time in the world when you get really ill". When I started back training it was a very rough road for me.. I didn't have help or finances and I was very ill. But not everyone has that kind of stubbornness that they can refuse to give up. I still deal with my health issues and I suppose my health management is very good motivation for me--I changed my whole life in order to feel better physically (and thus mentally/emotionally). I am terrified of getting that sick again. But it was a journey that took 10+ years.

I was at the gym training yesterday.. and talking to a young woman who was quite frustrated with her inability to get her weight under control I saw her come to life with encouragement and the sharing of my experiences.. there were tears in her eyes at the anguish she was experiencing over it.. how can I not help?? I may not make alot of money doing this.. but that's not what it's about either..

Well, I am ripping up for a photoshoot Thursday with a local photographer.. I realize that chemistry is important to working together and I think this will be a good shoot. I'm toughing out the queasy spells as I tighten up my diet to look my best. I often wonder if anyone else has the difficulties that I do with nausea/vomitting in this sport. Bodybuilding is an extreme sport--it's about controlling this vessel (the body can only do what the mind dictates.. it's a matter of will-power and discipline). The battle is won or lost in the mind for the most part--and that's true in general in any facet of life. I consider the demands of my body akin to those of a terrorist.. and I don't negotiate with terrorists.. LOL

So I am going to choke down some chicken and sweet potato for breakfast and pray it stays down. I still have to top off my suntan & choose a few outfits for the shoot. The next couple days I won't be training so that the water can drain off my body as the muscles recuperate. If anything I'll do a bit of cardio each day & some flexing/posing until after the shoot.

Then I have to decide about the Ontario Naturals (in Hamilton) September 19th... It's hard to seriously train and prep for a show if you can't decide for sure if you are going to enter. I'v never done a "natural" show yet, but I feel that's the venue for me. I can't compete in the non-drug tested shows at the level I'm at (Nationals), due to the fact that steroid use is so pervasive and I simply can't play that game with my health issues.

I guess I have to decide soon what I'm doing... there's only two months till the show.. and that's not alot of time to prep really.. especially with limited resources.

Hoping to get more work done on the website today.. so much to do all the time--and the day is never long enough (nor do I ever seem to have enough energy to do everything that is "on my list").

:)